Is Rudeness Relative?

Along with the very real possibility of being impaled by 6-foot-long icicles I have been thinking lately about whether or not rudeness is always relative. I tend to think about this most after I have become extremely annoyed by a Swede doing something I perceive to be super rude and they seem positively astonished by if I say anything. These incidents tend to involve:

• People cutting in front of me or the kids as we go into the library, get on a bus, etc.
  
• People bumping into me or the kids in the street and not saying anything
• People pushing by us to get somewhere without saying excuse me or whatever

Now Swedes, unless they have lived abroad for a long time, would not think any of the above are rude or out of the ordinary. Notice that all of these involve pretending you don't see the other person you are pushing, bumping, etc. The norm in Sweden, in public spaces, is to not see anyone and not speak to anyone you don't know, and that includes people you injure. The weird thing about this to me is that Swedes, when you've met them, are truly the humblest, most egalitarian people I've ever met, and that's perhaps why the public behavior is so bizarre.

My theory is that this all relates back to the Swedish value/norm of "lagom," which translates badly to just enough. Swedes are often worried about being too much of anything -- too loud, too smart, too outgoing, too fat, whatever ... they want to be just enough of everything. They are most comfortable when everyone is the same. And when everyone is the same, I guess you don't have to say excuse me when you push by someone because why the heck should you apologize to them because they're not any more special that you and shit happens, right?

Anyway, this is the clearest example I have in Sweden of rudeness being relative. What is rude to me is clearly the norm for the Swedes, and so I go around muttering to myself about rude Swedes when of course in their minds they aren't at all.

So are there some things that are ALWAYS rude across all cultures? Well, you gotta figure that making jokes about someone else's country that refer to sensitive political or historical events are up there. Take the participant I had in my cultural understanding course this week. His jokes over the two days included jokes about:

• The French letting the Germans walk right into Paris
  
• The Germans not being welcome in Holland in large numbers when they wear green
• Not going to Venezuela because you'll never come out again
• It's better not to have oil in your country because the U.S. will invade you

This guy had no edit feature and, as far as I could tell, no practice in putting himself in others' shoes, so we worked on both of those things. We'll see if he can hold back on the Stalin jokes when he goes to Russia next week. Sigh.

Another gig

I got a fun gig this month (as a result of the Manchester work) doing a graphic history of a team that turned out pretty good so I'm posting for you, my 3 readers, to enjoy. This was about 3'x8'. Why does anyone pay me to do this? Good question, and one I'm hoping to be able to answer better after reading a book called the Art of Engagement that Trevor lent me last week. The author has been doing this kind of visual work for awhile and thinks it's key to engaging employees and getting strategy implemented, the real failing point for many companies.

Manchester

I was in Manchester, or rather in a posh suburb of Manchester, for work a couple weeks ago. My job was to create a visual record of a 3-day meeting of senior managers talking about their information management strategy. There were Brits, Americans and Swedes in the group, and you gotta feel for the Swedes, who wait patiently for a break in the conversation to add their .02$ ... and it never comes. Being in Britain reminded me I am not funny at all. Really, do they teach comedy in British schools or what because the Brits can make anything, even information management, hilarious. The pix above are of a couple of the posters I did for and at the meeting. Sometimes I can't believe I get paid to do what I do.

Germish

Earlier this week I facilitated a workshop for a bunch of Germans on working successfully in Sweden. I spoke mostly English and some German, and was sort of horrified to realize that my German is sounding a bit Swedish (a bit too sing-songy with too many "-ning" noun endings when they should be "-ung") and that Swedish words are coming to my mind faster than the German equivalent. In short, I realized I now speak Germish instead of German. So sad, my German was so good ... and that was so many years ago.

For the workshop I used Geert Hofstede's cultural dimensions and it's the perfect model for Germans and Swedes working together because there are huge gaps in two of the dimensions: Masculinity (how assertive people are), and Uncertainty Avoidance (how comfortable people are with ambiguity). Sweden is the least masculine (or most feminine) culture in the world according to Hofstede, and so Germans tend to perceive Swedes as, well, girly men, and Swedes perceive Germans as overbearing, immodest and aggressive. Swedes are much more comfortable than the Germans with ambiguity and so they need fewer rules designed to eliminate uncertainty. As a result, they tend to view Germans as process-obsessed and unwilling to listen to different opinions. Germans tend to think Swedes are slow and wishy-washy.

As you can imagine, this led to some great discussions. Since they were German, it was all very frank and helpful I thought. I did my cultural adaptation part and prepared lots of graphs and data. (You Germans out there might be rolling your eyes, but there are not too many cultures out there in which people tell you they don't agree with various parts of your model and that they are going to change it so that it "makes more sense".)

Having had so many Swedes in my workshops lately, I was almost taken aback by the energy of the Germans -- lots of talking, side conversations, jokes, and just more body energy. Very un-Swedish. Sort of refreshing, actually. It was like the undercurrent in the room was buzzing, when usually it is, well, very low-key and Swedish and everyone listens calmly and politely and doesn't question too much and quietly enters and exits the room.

At the end of the day the participants said they were going to involve their Swedish colleagues in decision-making more, expect longer decision-making timelines, stay calm when they disagree and ask open questions to get the other person's perspective, and make an effort to go to more coffee breaks (fikas) to build relationships with colleagues. So I think some of what we talked about sunk in. But somehow I don't expect Jens and Hans to be dancing around the maypole by next mid-summer. Naja.

Work work work

It's been a bit quiet on the blog lately, I know. I'm blaming it on being a lot more busy with work and having less to say now that we've been here awhile. I've been working on this big virtual training project with a global manufacturing client that has been one of those consulting engagements that makes you wonder:

a) why the hell you don't have a 9-to-5 job after all, and
b) how you ever said yes to this when your entire being was screaming "run away run away!!"

Adrian is the only other person more happy than I am that most of the kinks are now worked out and the training is going well.

Graphic recording gig

Trevor and I spent a hectic but fun day working with a client near Gothenburg doing some future visioning sessions. He facilitated and I did the graphic recording for each session and then merged the output of those sessions into a single large poster (about 9-ft long). There were a couple of moments when the groups were talking about surgical techniques for implanting bone-anchored hearing solutions and kept using words like transcutaneous and osseointegration where I thought the world might end, but it turned out OK. The result is the (very badly lit) picture above. Happily the CEO was in one session and various marketing directors from around the world and they dug the graphic aspect of the workshop, so that was a good reminder to me that visual facilitation is loved by one and all.

Work continued

I've gone from having no paid work to having a number of interesting projects on the horizon, including:

• An open workshop I designed and am promoting called Understanding Cultural Differences (primarily for expats)
• A team-building retreat for a large pharmaceutical company
• Translating a 2-day marketing course into web-based modules and then delivering them to the Indian partners of a large software company
• A graphic recording gig at a medical device company
• A cultural understanding workshop for a Swedish team at a pharmaceutical company looking to improve their relationship with their American counterparts

The open workshop has been pretty interesting because I've never had to promote a course to the public before. I've been working through the relocation companies in town, a number of international networking groups, the consulates, the international schools, and my friends ... and I still only have 4 seats filled. But it's not until April 20, so I'm crossing my fingers. Whether it's 4 or 10 people, it's great experience in making use of my network to promote my work -- all good learning for the future. Oh, and doesn't the gig with the Swedish team who can't understand their loud American teammates sound fun?!

Professional Women's Group

I drew this yesterday for the Professional Women's Group meeting I went to last night to, literally, illustrate what graphic facilitation is all about. Thought I'd share.

Lorensbergs

Here's a picture of Trevor and I at the Lorensbergs end-of-year meeting and party in December. Trevor is from Birmingham and is the other English-only consultant at Lorensbergs (who happens to be engaged to one of the founders, Malin). Can you tell I just hate working with him? The man is hilarious in addition to being a great consultant and trainer. Oh, and he can drink about 10 beers and still be coherent. Very impressive.

I struck gold with Lorensbergs. The company is a great fit for me in terms of the kind of work they do (facilitation, communications training, and something called "employeeship") and personality. Trevor and I have spent many hours in the car together shuttling to Lund and back for training courses and we fill the hours quite nicely, thank you. While I'm not working as much as I'd like (now's your chance to send me prosperity vibes), the work I'm doing is interesting and fun. Plus, I'm learning a lot working with Trevor in the classroom and with Malin in terms of the sales process. I had a good meeting with a new client this morning that I think will turn into a nice chunk of work from now until June.

All this makes up for the hassle of setting up my own business in Sweden and wanting to pull my hair out trying to figure out what the tax office (Skatteverket) wants this week (you want a certificate from the IRS saying I've paid my taxes? Uh, sure, no problem, the IRS is all about certificates). Keep in mind the letters that keep popping through our mail slot from the Skatteverket are in Swedish tax lingo, so I understand about half. OK, a third. Probably not the best state to be in when dealing with your company finances.

Trailing spouses

The women who follow their husbands around on expat assignments (and let's face it, it's still mostly women doing the following) are apparently called "trailing spouses." So I guess I'm a trailing spouse (and as an aside is it just me or is "spouse" just too close to words like "mouse" and "louse" for comfort?). The big question for most trailing spouses is how to make some money and stay engaged in their careers while the husbands are working (and if applicable, and it usually is, the kids are in school).

I knew one woman in SF who asked me why I was worried about my career moving to Sweden, when I could just "spend my time exploring!!!!??" (include broad sweeping hand gestures with this comment). Well, exploring is all fine and good for the first month (or perhaps three if you live in Copenhagen and six if you were in Paris or Rome), but after that, I would argue, it's human nature to a) run out of money, b) want a routine and c) feel useful.

Pursuing (or should I say desperately trying to hang onto) your career is of course a challenge when you don't speak the language fluently and you aren't, say, a world-renowned musician whose calling is free from the constraints of language. Since this is Sweden, it's probably more forgiving than any other European country if you can't speak Swedish but can speak English, but it's still difficult for many women to find some way to make money and stay engaged in the working world.

I know women who teach yoga, clean houses, make hats out of recycled materials, work remotely for companies in the U.S. doing urban planning and graphic design, and teach at English-speaking preschools. I also know some who started their own businesses and a few who have "regular" jobs at Swedish companies where they speak English. And I know many women who are home full time because it's been too hard to find a job in Sweden.

Whatever their situation, I say let's hear it for all the trailing spouses out there who are finding ways, in the immortal words of Project Runway's Tim Gunn, to just ... "make it work!"

Swedish Community of Facilitators

I presented at my first conference this past week. The conference was a meeting of the Swedish Community of Facilitators. Is this funny to anyone else but me? For some reason, saying it always makes my giggle, perhaps because I get some image in my head of lots of consensus-oriented blond people chatting in a big circle every time I hear the phrase. Actually there were lots of consensus-oriented people in circles, but most weren't blond and even fewer were real blondes.

At any rate, the title of my presentation was "Strategic Visioning Using Simple Graphic Facilitation Techniques." Fancy, right? I had 2 sessions, each 1.5 hours, and they went really well, if I do say so myself. We talked about what a vision is, what makes it compelling and how to help groups to tap into their creativity. I showed some examples of my visioning graphic facilitation (like the two below), then had the group use a simple template I designed for creating their own personal visions. They dug it.
The conference was a marketing opportunity for me and lots of AstraZeneca folks were there, so I'm crossing my fingers that it translates into some business in the coming months. Since Adrian was denied to expat tax break we applied for, said business would come in handy.

Cross-cultural communication

The workshop in Lund I co-facilitated, called Communication and Cultural Differences, was a great success, despite the fact I lost my wallet on the way to Lund. Yes, I somehow managed to lose my very big wallet around 10pm on Sunday at the gas station in Ängelholm, about 45 minutes north of Lund. Not a great way to start the week to be sure. Luckily it was turned in with nothing missing and I ended up just picking it up on the way home.

Despite the inauspicious beginning, the course went really well and I learned a lot from the lead facilitator, a Brit named Trevor. He has lots of good stories to tell about holding the course around the world. I guess in China they had a guy who apparently really needed to take a phone call but didn't want to be rude and leave the room so he just went under one of the tables and had his phone call there. 10 points for creativity.

The course incorporates a section on understanding cultures based on 7 cultural dimensions (from Fons Trompenaars work) as well as a section on understanding personality types or temperaments. The idea being you need both pieces of the puzzle to understand where the person you're communicating with is coming from so you can shift your communication style to ensure your message is understood.

The course was my first chance to see a bunch of Swedes in a work(ish) setting, and it was eye opening. I'm still digesting some of it, but it was just so clear how collaborative and consensus-oriented the Swedes are in everything they do, even in something small like a team quiz in a training class. Unlike in the U.S., there was NO chance of someone shouting (amiably) "LOSER!!" to the other team and pumping their V-fingers in the air because they won. There was just lots of quiet checking in with everyone at the table and then a quiet hand-raise to answer the quiz question.

The physical reserve of the Swedish attendees also struck me. I think ideally Swedes would just nod at you when being introduced instead of having to touch you by shaking hands. I'd just love to see a Swede at a French party with all that kissing. This one man, Peter, asked what "touchy-feely" meant and I demonstrated in good old American fashion, and I think he nearly passed out. It was a classic cross-cultural moment. And of course, in true Swedish fashion, everyone was so darned nice you just want to take them all home for a cinnamon bun.

Fall is here

Fall has definitely arrived: the air is decidedly cooler, brittle leaves line the streets, some kids have started wearing their Michelin Man snowsuits to school ... and every woman from Malmö to Jokkmokk now seems to be wearing a uniform consisting of black, knee-high boots over skinny jeans and a sweater in some shade of grey. I don't think Ava is QUITE getting the concept of skipping through the autumn leaves. She has been doing a sort of kung-fu maneuver every time she encounters a pile (see above), much to Julian's delight.

We are ridiculously content at the moment. Really, I hope this blog isn't becoming a boring string of Isn't-Sweden-Great entries. I hate those! I mean who wants to read about how terrific someplace else is all the time? Please know we haven't forgotten the joys of California (weekends in Sonoma and Calistoga with friends, having a coffee with Mom [for less than $10], and getting a bagel in Noe Valley on Sunday morning to name just a few). Sweden just happens to be a great place for families with young kids. It's not the most exciting or visually dramatic place on earth (shocker!), but it's very comfortable with great work/life balance, and that's perfect for us right now. If we didn't have kids I'd probably be bored out of my noggin! I think another reason we are so content is because our time here in finite. We know we have about two years to enjoy the differences of life over here before we go back to our "real" life.

I'm off to Lund tomorrow night to do my first work assignment with Lorensbergs, and I've booked a two-day training (a presentation skills workshop) for November. As my friend Merel said last night over a tasty glass of Australian pinot (because I was just NOT going to pay $16 for a glass of merlot from Lodi), "Well, that is definitely part time!"

Work!

So I'm thrilled to report that I have my first work gig set up with a consulting company called Lorensbergs the end of September. The gig is co-facilitating a 2-day Cultural Communications training class in Lund (about 3 hours south of here) with one of their senior consultants. Lorensbergs is a facilitation, training and organization development (OD) firm, and I really liked the founder as well as their approach toward OD when we met last month. They seem to really like me too (aw shucks!) and the slightly different spin on things I bring with my graphic facilitation background. Anyway, it's all a little too good to be true, so I'm crossing my fingers that all will work out in Lund and lead to more work.

Money, work and taxes

It took a few weeks to really realize how high the cost of living is here. It's the food prices, of course, but also gas ($8/gallon), parking a car in the city ($150/month), and rental housing (around $2000/month). The whammy is when you combine the high cost of living with the high taxes and you realize your expendable income dropped to about $3.40, which will buy you half an ice cream cone.

We had a few sleepless nights a week ago when we figured out what Adrian's take-home salary would be after giving 40% to the government. We decided that it makes sense for me to work. If I don't, there just wouldn't be the expendable income that would allow us to travel around Europe a lot, which was one of our reasons for coming to Europe in the first place. Adrian's company TIBCO (or Spotfire here in Sweden) said they would help distribute my resume around. So I tried to put together a good resume and have been doing some of my own networking as well, so we'll see. I'm looking forward to working in Sweden and all the cross-cultural confusion that will come with it!

Also, I found out about an expat tax break (25% of Adrian's income would be tax-free), so that should help, too.